by country volcano

"I think I am selfish too, and I have backed you into a corner time and again so that
I donapos;t loose you and instead I have suffocated you. Thatapos;s not how it should be, I want
to help you be free, not cage you in."

Today I wrote this in class while thinking about one of my closest friends whom I am pretty sure I have nearly pushed too far. She made mention that maybe she is being selfish in this and I donapos;t really think so, rather she has been a phenomenal example of patient grace. But I do know that I have been selfish, making unfair demands. So tonight I am writing because I want to admit my insufficiency, my disappointment, and voice my desire for something better.

My insufficiency is that I fear loosing people I care for, maybe it is a fear of abandonment? I think it stems from when I was separated from my mom and sister and was taken to Colorado with my Dad. I was subject to a sort of loneliness that was deep and hurtful as a young teen and still haunts today.

I am confused on what I should do. I really cherish the friendship, it is terribly important to me. However I also want to break this cursed cycle, I want to face down this fear. The fear of being abandoned, cast aside, and forgotten. I canapos;t help but think some time away surely would relieve the pressure on my friend which is caused by me, and maybe it would give me the chance to truly separate myself so that I could also face this fear and conquer it. Maybe then I could come back to my dear friend in the future with my wounds healed and share something with no underlying fear or regret.

She is worthy of a friendship like that. Selfish or not.

Lord, help me to release her from my chains of fear, I can not stand to pull her down another instant. My sweet Jesus, my Savior, with your healing hands would you please save me from my fear of abandonment as well. Oh God I believe, help my unbelief.
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